Wild · World

God damn I can't wait to come home!

There are NO 24 Hour Fitness gyms around for me to work out at and I am starting to feel out of shape again! Plus I am missing the ol' music scene :P

Lordy, I am being ridiculous lately... I mean shit, dawg! I haven't heard from Nikhil in forever and I keep checking my email to see if he has responded yet or not, slash if that girl from CL has replied :P

Meanwhile the longer I am away from P-town, the more I manage to be like "oh God I miss Karleen", etc. I really need to see her when I get back and put things back in perspective...

Still, I'm having a lot of fun with the family, so I s'pose I can't complain...

What is it that I see in those last tragic moments before I catapult myself into wakefulness? There is darkness, but not just darkness, it's obscuring, it's utterly unknowable, and it creeps ever closer until I'm wrapped in it, gasping for breath and writhing like another murder victim. Yet there's something just beyond it... I can touch it, I know it's there, but I can't feel, hear, or see it. I want to know what it is so badly...Is it death? I don't think it can be, I'm not afraid of death... Perhaps it really is just uncertainty. About what? Heaven knows life is full of things to be uncertain about. Perhaps the future? Yes, perhaps. Will we ever get that little apartment together? Will I be able to go to college and become a teacher? Will I ever make a band? If so, then perhaps the other unknown is my dreams. Perhaps that is really what scares me most. Not death, but the thought of a life squandered in underachievement.

It just occurred to me: Softcore porn would be the greatest anatomy reference material ever! It's free, on your computer, and you can pause it when you get just the right angle to draw it.

Guarranteed this thought isn't original. However, starved for approval as I am, I offer it up to the masses nonetheless.

I wonder, does the fact that I'm using it for artistic reference and not knuckle-fodder have comedic value? If so, I think I'll write romantic comedies for a living!

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OOOOHHH BABY!

My Cleric PWNZORZ!!! :D Now that he's Lvl 20 and Jlvl 15, he has nice buffs and heals and stuff, still no real attacks aside from a spell with a 2-3 second cooldown, but he doesn't need it anyway! HUZZAH!

He has about 1200 HP, which is more than any other caster I've played, although this may be due in part to the rings I bought for Rosemary's warrior that I'm wearing in the meantime... :P

Bottom line: I have been playing Rappelz since about midnight now and my Cleric is 20.46 or so!

GLAIVEN MCNARVEN!

Well, this sucks. I told mom that ger call back to Burgerville probably cost me my employment there according to what Calvin told me the next day. She said "I take NO responsibility for any of this! If that lady reacted that way, I don't want you working there anyway!" and then she had to add "I can't believe that you'd trust Calvin over me!". The fact is, I wasn't, of course, trusting Calvin over her at all, I said to her that "the unintended result of your call to Burgerville is that in all likelihood I won't be able to work there". The fact that she made me make it her fault and then reacted the way she did suggest that she did indeed sabotage it.

But we weren't done with our little conversation. Before bed she brought all of it back up again. Now she's feigning being hurt by what I "said" to her et cetera, et cetera. Why can't I have a normal relationship with her? Why must we always argue? I'd honestly rather she change than that I move out. She is still my mother and even though she says otherwise, the fact that I "took Calvin's word over hers" does not denote a lack of respect for her, but rather a lack of faith in her. I respect her as much as I respect any human being, but I have less faith that her motives are not sometimes vengeful and malign considering how often she gets angry at me and how often she yells at me.

Surprisingly, I have a hard time believing that the woman that tromped down the stairs to my room and yelled at me, demanding the phone number where my potential employer could be reached, and then tromped back upstairs to the corner of the house where I couldn't hear her when she made the call WASN'T doing it without any thought of vengeance or gaining her control over me again.

Also, she got everything I needed to get my permit and used that as an attack at me as well. "You're going after school on Tuesday to take the test, so you'd better be ready!" were her exact words. Mixed into that sentence somewhere were more accusations about m lack of respect for her, my lack of responsibility, and my blatant disregard for her financial wellbeing in suggesting to her that after 2.5 years "looking for the key" she might as well send away for my birth certificate. She made sure to mention that it cost her 70 dollars, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out that that amount is actually double what she really paid.

I love my mom, I just don't know how much longer I can continue fighting with her like this.

Today was a wash kinda. I was almost late to school because I accidentally slept in til 7:30 and missed the bus. Class was fine until after 5th period when Rosemary decided that it was time to make me feel like shit for not picking her as a partner for a Japanese project when we hadn't been on speaking terms at the time I had first learned about it. I told her she could be in a group with Leia and I, but she said "No, no. I'll be with Bryan or someone. I want you to be excited about being in a group with me." Which made me feel like A: She didn't actually care about being in a group with me/being around me/doing stuff with me, so much as she cared about me wanting/needing her. and B: shit, because of A. I mean if my most important function to her is to want her around and need to be with her and whatnot, I guess the last three years have been a waste to an extent. Maybe I'm overreacting, she probably didn't know what she said and/or she meant something different, but somehow it seemed like that was what she was saying to me.

and so, to summarize:

The good parts of the day: Buying a pair of $18 headphones for $14.39, going to the gym and working out, seeing David Galle, borrowing Megan's headphones on the bus to listen to music.

The bad parts of the day: missing the bus, more Rosemary issues, my guitar having a crack in it, spending a day without my music, not finishing all of my homework, not getting to walk to school.

It's always funny what happens when I mow the lawn...

After spending 2 hours to myself, I realized that it's pretty much a miracle that Rosemary and I are even friends. I mean, consider:

I like Blues, Folk, Jazz, Electronica, Pop, Raggae, New Age, Spiritual, and 95% of Rock music; she likes Rap, Hip-Hop, and Emo.

I love pets and kids, she hates them.

I really enjoy physical exertion, she tends to avoid it whenever possible.

I think rap is poetry, she thinks it is music.

I'm starting to feel kinda bleh about anime/manga, she still thinks it's the greatest thing ever.

I'm crazy in love with Buddhism, she's crazy in love with Bahai...

The list goes on. I think the only thing that we ever really had in common was a love of video gaming, but that's losing its' luster for me the more I spend time with my guitar.

I just have to laugh at all of this, because life is so odd in the things that it does. So, bottom line, WTF? There are so many potential conflicts lurking in any conversation I could have with her, how have we managed to stay friends for so long?